Rants of a college girl

Kamuelo Mlea

Grownish sold me dreams, the illusion of a lifetime that I was delusional enough to buy. My reality is far worse than deciding which boy to date (sorry, Zoe, we can't all be queens like you).

I have questioned my existence a million times. Whenever I hear about one of my peers doing something unique, getting an opportunity that I have only dreamed of, and living the school mantra, 'Do hard things,' I think we must be in different worlds; hey, same school but not really. I have loathed myself for this…the feeling of dissociation, not wholly integrated into such a community, shying away from the competition because, let's face it, A.L.C. is a battlefield of geniuses. Only the mighty survive.

Don't get me wrong; I love this for those out here winning. I'm cheering you on.

It's so easy to feel like the square peg in the round hole, detached from the reality around you and letting life pass you by simply because of intrusive thoughts of inadequacy.

I have contemplated my being here every now and then, trying to find the issue with me, why I'm not on the level others are at, why my passion is not as fierce if it even exists and why my email is plagued with annoyingly polite rejection letters. That TikTok viral sound ‘re squeez'eng in le Rena renyakoba mo industrying' (loosely translating to squeeze us in, we also want to be part of the industry) comes to mind because God knows I would love to feel like I matter, make some difference somewhere, give meaning to my college experience. It all feels futile when you're down and out like that, boxed in these tiny white walls that make you think you're in an asylum. It is daunting. To not feel seen, not heard because you are not loud enough for people at the top to listen to you.

But then again, do hard things they say. Slay your dragons, as lousy as that may sound. I've heard a thousand times that comparison is the thief of joy, and it is accurate. The truth is, we are all running different races (tough pill to swallow). I may not be getting a work/study opportunity, and I'm definitely not winning some venture competition, but I'm here still. A win is a win, small as it may seem.

Each of us here is fighting for a way of self-expression. Finding how you want to communicate your innermost thoughts and self to the people around you. Still, only some have a competitive spirit, and the loud voices are stifling. I hope each of us finds a way to tell our story; we all have one.

As Pitbull said, misery loves company; I just wanted to be heard, in a way I know how, using words while I hide behind my laptop, hoping that when you read this, you find something meaningful in the things said and those left unsaid.

Don't let life happen to you.

Published 31 January 2023